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It's Been Too Long

How long has it been since we have posted here? Too damn long.

So, I quit my job and moved into a "normal position." What does that mean? I walked away from "official ministry." What American Christians have made it into.

But, the difference in what I did this time and what I have encountered earlier is this. I did not do it out of hatred for anything. It was not that I hated the church, the church system or the hypocracy that prevails in the way men have set it up today. It is not my first choice, nor anywhere near the top, but it was not this time because of a pure hatred for anything that I moved on.

I moved on because it was time. It was time to just be Ryan and stop living in a world that tries to downplay who you are in order to keep most people "happy." I just cannot do it anymore. I am not mad, I just never really can understand how we are so mean to ourselves and to each other out of "rightness" or "political correctness" or "religious unspoken lawNESS."

Does the church still serve a purpose? I don't know. Does it serve a purpose in your life? Does it serve a purpose in someone's life, sure. Does it serve a purpose in my life? Not the one most would assume it should. Do I feel guilty for that? At times, but when I explore my guilt, it is always because I feel like I am letting someone down, not because I am being myself and loving to do it.

Is it that we have been manipulated by fear? Is that possible that because the motivation has shifted from loving others, to the fear of hell, or the fear of not measuring up, or the fear of being "lost, (which is what causes most people to join and attend church services), that the main feel within church is fear of doing something wrong?

This is not a judgment but an observation. If the large number of people who attend, and participate in any activity (outside, or away from church) and they "join up" because they are afraid of something, is not their whole mentality based and "moved" by what scares them?

Jesus never motivated this way. NEVER. So where did this come from? People hardly, if ever, join or attend a church for the sole reason and purpose of loving or "being loved." They/We go or attend usually based on the need to keep themselves from the feelings of guilt.

How can a system, that has flourished on motivating by fear, built on fear, where the core of the whole thing is using hell, fear, not measuring up as the motivating factor, be something that promotes love? Can something that manipulates and motivates by fear, and trying to twist it into love (they do this through statements of making you feel like you cannot measure up and then talking about Jesus being enough, yet never truly exploring the "mystery of the ages is Christ in us.")

If He is in us (after conversion, which of course is probably going to be defined by you personally, based on your base of scripture and how you interpret it), then why am I afraid at all.

But what about Romans 8:29-31, where it says that the ones the Father "foreknows" He "predestines to become the likeness of His son." I mean, what do those words mean?

The hard part is that men often see their definitions of words to be the "correct" ones, and anyone who disagrees/opposes or even questions them, to be "wrong," and in that word "wrong" we find a subliminal thought that they are "lost" or "going to hell" (these of course, also depend on the perspective and how certain words have been used in their lives).

To believe that all men, view all words in the same way is idiotic. For we all have grown up in different ways, our parents did not use the same words to convey all their similar/same feelings or issues, therefore communication has to become more personal, truly with the other person's interest MORE IN MIND than conveying or getting our message HEARD.

When we have finished saying something in order to be heard, we can then begin loving, until then, we do not love ourselves, because we cannot see we need not to be heard in order for our lives to matter. We are loved regardless of whether someone thinks we are smart.

God's Pebbles

Excerpt from "Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho.

Today, while we were walking around the lake, along that strange road to Santiago, the man who was with me - a painter, with a life entirely different from mine - threw a pebble into the water. Small circles appeared where the pebble fell, which grew and grew until they touched a duck that happened to be passing and which had nothing to do with the pebble. Instead of being afraid of that unexpected wave, he decided to play with it.

Some hours before that scene, I went into a cafe, heard a voice, and it was as if God had thrown a pebble into that place. The waves of energy touched both me and a man sitting in a corner painting a portrait. He felt the vibrations of that pebble, and so did I. So what now?

The painter knows when he has found a model. The musician knows when his insturment is well tuned. Here, in my diary, I am aware that there are certain phrases which are not written by me, but by a woman full of "light"; I am that woman though I refuse to accept it.

I could carry on like this, but I could also, like the duck on the lake, have fun and take pleasure in that sudden ripple that set the water rocking.

There is a name for that pebble: Passion. It can be used to describe the beauty of an earth-shaking meeting between two people, but it isn't just that. It's there in the excitement of the unexpected, in the desire to do something with real fervor, in the certainty that one is going to realize a dream. Passion sends us signals that guide us through our lives, and it's up to me to interpret those signs.

Your soul

Excerpt from the book "Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho... this is an excerpt from the main character's (Maria) diary. Maria is a professional prostitute.

"I'm not a body with a soul, I'm a soul that has a visible part called the body. All this week, contrary to what one might expect, I have been more conscious of the presence of this soul than usual. It didn't say anything to me, didn't criticize me or feel sorry for me: it merely watched me. Today, I realized why this was happening: it's been such a long time since I thought about Love or anything called Love. It seems to be running away from me, as if it wasn't important any more and didn't feel welcome. But if I don't think about love, I will be nothing."

Roller Coaster

Except from the book "Eleven Minutes" by Paulo Coelho.

I spent today outside a funfair. Since I can't afford to fritter my money away, I thought it best just to watch other people. I stood for a long time by the roller coaster, and I noticed that most people get on it in search of excitement, but once that starts, they are terrified and want the cars to stop.
What do they expect? Having chosen adventure, shouldn't they be prepared to go the whole way? Or do they think that the intelligent thing to do would be to avoid the ups and downs and spend all their time on a carousel, going round and round on the spot?
At the moment, I'm far too lonely to think about love, but I have to believe that it will happen, that I will find a job and that I am here because I chose this fate. The roller coaster is my life; life is a fast, dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; it's taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it''s mountaineering; it's wanting to get to the very top of yourself and feel angry and dissatisfied when you don't manage it.
It isn't easy being far away from my family and from the language in which I can express all my feelings and emotions, but, from now on, whenever I feel depressed, I will remember that funfair. If I had fallen asleep and suddenly woken up on a roller coaster, what would I feel?
Well, I would feel trapped and sick, terrified of every bend, wanting to get off. However, if I believe that the track is my destiny and that God is in charge of the machine, then the nightmare becomes something thrilling. It becomes exactly what it is, a roller coaster, a safe, reliable toy, which will eventually stop, but, while the journey lasts, I must look at the surrounding landscape and whoop with excitement.

The Upside of Anger

"Anger & resentment can stop you in your tracks. thats what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. Its real though,... the fury. Even when it isn't it can change you, turn you, mold you and shape you into something your not.
The only upside to anger then is the person you become. Hopefully someone who wakes up one day and realizes they are not afraid of its journey. Someone that knows that the truth is at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake leaves a new chance at acceptance, ... and the promise of calm.

Then again, what do I know, I'm only a child."

- Quote from movie, "The Upside of Anger"

Forgetting How to Love

"People have forgotten how to love. They bite rather than kiss, and they slap rather than stroke. Maybe its because they realize how easy it is for love to go bad; to become suddenly impossible, unworkable, an exercise in futility. So they avoid it & seek solice and angst and fear and agression, which are always there and readilly available, or maybe sometimes, they just don't have all the facts..."

- The Upside of Anger